Heigh ho it’s off to work we go
I need to write this down but my mind is so frazzled it probably going to come out messy.
I’m starting to go back to work after maternity leave. I knew it was going to be hard child care wise as I’m freelance so there won’t be much consistency in my hours. As much as the childcare stuff is difficult (I can only really sort out a few months at a time) It’s not the hardest thing.
I imagined myself being all like ‘I’m back bitches’ absolutely smashing it, like when you’ve had time off and you come back all refreshed and motivated. But I haven’t had time off. I’ve literally been working 24/7. So I’ve not come back with all this great energy and now ideas, I feel like I’m starting from nothing. It’s not like maternity leave ends so you’re baby now sleeps through so you can focus on work. Or all of a sudden you feel ok leaving them somewhere else.
I used to give my work so much of myself. Most of myself. That simply isn’t possible now. I did my fist day getting back into things recently, and I just kept wondering if the baby had had his nap and eaten his lunch. But, I want to go back to work, I love my job. But I don’t want to leave my baby and I literally feel torn in two. I didn’t expect it to be so hard.
It’s not just literally focussing that’s hard (and I’m sure that’ll get easier) but it’s finding enough energy and time to maintain the same quality if work I used to make. I can’t think ‘oh it’s fine I’ll get that done/think more about that at some point this week’ cos that point might never come.
I feel overwhelmed imagining how I’m going to give energy to work and carry on staying on top of things at home. I want to give my baby the best of me, I feel so guilty if I can’t or don’t. But I want to do good work. It feels totally impossible for me to have the capacity for both.
I know I’ll work this out, I’ll set boundaries and organise things. it just feels messy at the moment as it’s a transitional period. But I think it’s always going to be hard.
I was going to end this by saying ‘working mums are amazing and working harder that is actually possible’ but I feel like that sounds like mums that stay at home aren’t. I hate this idea that women that stay at home ‘aren’t working’ or have given up on something. They are doing the hardest and most important job in the world. So next time you say ‘I don’t wanna be one of those women that just has kids and that’s it.’ THAT’S IT?! THAT IS IT. Just raising the next generation and giving all of yourself to make someone else’s life meaningful. Yeah, how boring.
Anyway I’ve made to many points now. It’s just hard innit?